PULP It Like It's Hot: The Blow Job Assistant

The Quickshot is portable, pleasurable, discreet, and only looks a little like a robot anus.

April 7, 2020

Benjamin Davis
Robut Butthole
Katie Tandy

masturbated in the shower this morning, and when I came I felt nothing. It was like surgery under general anesthesia: there was a light tug, some oozing, and then it was all over.

I was confused — to say the least. And then I realized: this was the first time I’d masturbated without my new sex toy in the month since I bought it. It was locked away in its little case in the back of my bathroom cabinet. The cleaning lady is coming today, and it won’t have had time to dry.

I was reminded of why I got a sex toy in the first place: my hand was not designed by pleasure scientists.

The sex toy that I got is called The QuickShot. It advertises itself as a “blowjob assistant,” which sounds like a built-in excuse for people who get caught with it.

“Dude…do you fuck this thing?”

“Nah, man — Nah, it’s…uh, it’s a blowjob assistant.”

It isn’t. You fuck it. It’s not a big deal.

If you can find me someone with a penis who made it through their teenage years without sticking it in something without a pulse, I’ll send you a cookie — but be warned, you don’t know where the dough has been.

To talk about the pros of a sex toy designed for a penis rather than a vagina, you first have to put down the hate. Stigmas about these types of sex toys (fleshlights, masturbation eggs, sleeves, etc.) are just another one of those made-up things that people believe because they always have, like astrology, or Jesus. When people hear you have one, they say things like:

“Why don’t you just get laid?”

“That’s weird, you must be lonely!”

Part of the problem is that these stigmas are sewn into the marketing of these sex toys. When my Quickshot arrived, there was no label on the packaging. Inside, it was in a black bag, then capped in a little black container that could easily be mistaken for a beard brush, electronics canister, or a whole variety of things you don’t stick your dick into.

But why?

Dildos are hot — they’re a more accepted part of sexual health. There are advertisements everywhere, they have names, hooks, barbs, bulges. They can be small and fragrant or large and double as an intruder deterrent. You can suction them to the wall or strap them onto your partner’s face.

Sex toys like the Quickshot should be treated no differently. You’re getting a lot.

Here are some of the perks.

It feels (almost creepily) close to having actual sex. For this, there are a few things you need to do. One, use lube. Two, warm it up.

One is pretty simple. I’ve also used basic moisturizing lotion, which works, but isn’t the best. Any water-based lube will do — get a big bottle cause you’re probably going to use this thing a lot. At first, it’s like pretzels and heat peanuts; you just can’t stop.

For warmth, well — this is up to you. I guess you could breathe on it. I don’t know if it is microwave safe. But, friction creates heat, so it doesn’t take long for the thing to warm up, and then you’re all set.

Once you’ve got these things covered: go to town. Personally, I am a shower-masturbator. It is just more convenient. No matter where you are, you’ll notice that the Quickshot really does feel 1000% closer to sex than your hand. It is tight and lightly ribbed. Honestly, I have the metallic colored one, so when I look into it, it looks a bit like a hand-held robot anus.

This doesn’t matter to me. Personally, I feel like holding a tube with an actual recreation of a vagina on it would make me feel like some sort of evil vagina-stealing mad scientist.

I’ll take the hole in Bender’s shiny metal ass, thank you. So, looks-wise, you might not like the QuickShot, but looks-wise, I doubt you’ve liked everyone you’ve had sex with, so, let’s not be picky here.

The Quickshot is easy to clean.

I have never owned another solo sex toy. Fleshlights were joke butts in college. That kept me away from them. I do not know how they are cleaned, but with the QuickShot, it opens at both ends (see “blowjob assistant”), so you can run water through it, stick your fingers in and feel around, shake it off and leave it to dry. Simple, easy, done.

It is discreet.

Okay, I admit, I am glad that if my cleaning lady opens my cabinet, she will think, “Well, that must be a tube of alcohol swabs.” And not, “Oh good god, this guy fucks a mushy flesh-tube.”

If I knew her and could explain to her my feelings on sex toys, then I’d be okay with it. But I don’t want her going through my apartment and hardcore disinfecting everything like a maniac after she walks out of the bathroom and thinks:

“Oh God! HE’S FUCKED EVERYTHING IN HERE!”

So — yeah, it is discreet, portable, fun. If you want to hide it from people, that option is readily available. If you’re going to hide it from your partner, well — you’ve got bigger problems.

The consensus:

If you have a penis and are new to sex toys, or if you are someone who still has hang-ups about owning one, the QuickShot offers everything you need; it is fun, easy to clean, and discreet.

It is only by talking about these toys, telling our friends about them, writing about them, that we will make it to the day where I can proudly leave my QuickShot out in the shower, and my cleaning lady will see it and think:

“Oo-la-la, good for you.”

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